Written Escapade [entries|friends|calendar] Joashelle Faith [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Chapters [Life] [23 May 2012|12:16pm] [ mood | pensive ] My whole life, not once do I have a proper close of a chapter with a happy ending. Ends with a cliff hanger that brings over to the next chapter of my life. I'm so worn out tired.  I haven't been blogging very often, probably because I'm just so exhausted from my school and life. There isn't really anytime for me to sit down and think of paragraphing my thoughts into an essay. My twitter has been so filled with emotional tension between my fears, anger and emotional agony and physical, mental and emotional exhaustion. I've never really given it much a thought to take a break from anything. I'm more a workaholic than I thought I was. I work till my body just gives up for the day. If I could stay up for 24 hours 7 days a week to do my work. I would.  I come to face my emotional contradictions again. I'm a dreamer, but I should stop dreaming of a day that it'd go back to how it was. That kinda shit. After what has happened to mama, I told myself to just appreciate what is going the right direction in my life and not ask for too much. Is it really asking for too much, if I still had silently hoped at the back of my mind, bottomest of my heart?  I'm honestly thanking God for all the prayers He has answered. From the very start, I have entrusted all of these in Him. From even starting the first conversation to now.  How long has it been?  It's been ages since everything changed... All these ups and downs, I have not felt hate rushing out after all that's happened. More like an opposite reaction. Is this a side effect from a hopeless romantic like me? Somehow, I think I would be a lot better without social networks. Even though, my blogs have helped a lot through the years from when I became a teenager and dealing with my emotional problems, I might be able to deal with talking to people more easily.  I use to have the mindset of being a simple person. When I was in a relationship, that changed, my insecurities surfaced and  just got the best of me. It wasn't the break up that took me. I lost who I was to the fears of my then-boyfriend leaving. I'm honestly simple to actually understand. I think.  One to note to end this entry, I personally think expectations has killed many lives. Not literally. But think about it, didn't it?   post comment

Breakdown #1 [28 Apr 2012|11:06pm] I'm exhausted from school. I have to face this new challenge in my life and my classmates aren't a big help. All have an excuse to say they can't do it, but not a solution to try and fix it. Passing the job to someone else is not a solution. I have a test on Monday that I have yet to study for, but with what's going on, it's hard. I'm just breaking down unexpectedly cos I cannot handle all this. I'm suppressing it all in, but honestly, I'm about to blow. I'm being pulled to ends.  I need the strength to do this. I'm emotionally and mentally dried. Physically breaking down as well. post comment

Bullet Through My Temples [26 Apr 2012|11:58am] [ mood | bitchy ] I've been sick for three weeks and I think I'm slowly recovering. Some of my crew members aren't helping at all. It's really exhausting. How do I recover when I'm continuously piled with this role that isn't even mine? I took something less stressful so I could recover and rest. But these people aren't being responsible. Can I complain to my lecturer? That way, it gives justice to those who are doing the extra work and price to pay for those who are just freeloading off the production. Oblivious to what's going on in the studio and pre-production. More like, I can't be bothered. I work an honest and fair production. Everyone has to put the same amount of commitment into this. If one of us is giving less, push them to give more. That's how it is.  It's not that I wanna be bitchy. I mean who wants to be in such a bad uptight mood. I personally don't. I just cannot stand to see some people slack off when everyone else are working their hardest away despite how tired and sick they are. You know? I mean who wouldn't get pissed, right? That's enough of bitching for me for now. I might just get another headache. post comment

Life As It Is [07 Apr 2012|11:45pm] [ mood | hopeful ] It's been quite long since I've last blogged [here]. Life has been a complete roller coaster recently. Just when I thought things between me and my ex were starting to be okay. It's weird again, I can feel it. It's my intuition. And it's always right, so far. I really cannot be bothered with the situation anymore. I have my problems here and there, and I was in that emotional period, having to remember what 1 year ago was. It's was terrible. Pure torture to me. But I'm alright now. I think I am. I think I'm starting to come to terms with myself and stop being in denial that I am alright, when I really am not. I continue to keep everything in my life in my prayers, makes me feel less burden. And I continue to keep him in my prayers.  Everything that's going on in my life has been alright I guess. I hope it kind of stays like that. I'm still thankful for the tough days. I guess it's about learning and growing.  post comment

Sick Puppy [13 Mar 2012|11:57pm] [ mood | sick ] I've been kind of sick lately. It has gotten worse. From chest pains to terrible dry cough that has caused me some headache. I have a very tiring week. Gonna have a performance at NUS this Friday evening and we have rehearsals on Thursday night. But before that, I have my Studio Production shoot in the morning and Entrepreneurship module showcase. It's gonna be very exhausting plus this sick body mine.I hope I don't cough too much during the performance. post comment

A Little Bit Torn [05 Mar 2012|10:56pm] [ mood | stressed ] I'm just so exhausted. So many projects. Never ending. I'm not getting much help. I've been super busy with 4 projects for 4 modules. I could just cry knowing the amount of work that needs to be done. I cannot take this anymore. And people are asking me to do this and that. I'm the kind of person who will try and give my helping hand to those who need it. But when will they give me a helping hand when I'm in need? I don't think I'm enough to go around the table for everyone to get assistance from. I'm one person. Have some compassion please and realise that I'm nothing more a 1 man show. I'm just an individual. I need you guys to help me too. It's a terrible feeling that is overwhelming me right now. Dear God! Help me please!!! post comment

My New Class [18 Feb 2012|04:46pm] I didn't want to judge my new classmates from how i saw them last year, from outside looking in. So I got to know some of them better in this few weeks. Which is quite amazing. Since I never thought I'd make friends with them really quick. I remember having a conversation with Unicorn and I told her that I will never let them in to my twitter. But look, we're all tweeting and stuff. My previous class was amazing. And this year's class is as amazing as well. Well, for those I actually talk to.  Let's see who I shall begin to talk about... The girl in white, that's Riyah. She's really funny and quite singer. Just needs to be polished. I've been trying to convince her to sign up for the CE Vocal competition.It's super fun to hang out with her. This girl here, she's Shida. She is hilarious! And super fun to be around. She has this signature trade mark line "My story very sad, right?"  She's just so adorable!!! You see this two monkeys here, that's Dennis with the glasses and Sean with the sour-face.  Dennis is an interesting comic. He has this creepy smile and child-like mind at times. He's really funny. Sean, is this funny guy. He seems like a player. but he's really friendly. The one with white glasses. That's Isa.He is quite an intellect. Just misunderstood with his poor English. No, I'm not insulting him. But what he tries to say gets miscommunicated due the language difficulty. He's really awesome. Then there's my partner for my Digital Audio practicals, WeiSheng. He is this inquisitive boy, who ask unrelated questions at times and sometimes it's just humorous to watch him so oblivious to his surrounding. But he's really friendly. Then, there's Hakiki who is hilarious with his nonsense. He's really funny and friendly too. But he, too, ask awkward questions. Then, finally, there's Ryan. The guy I'm stuck with in Audio lessons.. And sometimes the guy I sit with during my Studio Production. He! He is annoying with his uncensored language with his nonsense and annoying imitation of people. But he's such a comic. And really good friend to talk to.   So that's pretty much some of the people I talk to and am close to in class.  Awesome huh? :) post comment

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY 2012 [13 Feb 2012|10:21pm] Happy Valentine's Day! I don't know who I'm dedicating this song to. But I know there's someone, but  it's all over the place. I guess, this goes to the wonderful time I spend with the people I care about. How I love their company and them.  It will be a lonely Valentine's cos I have no one special. But I guess, loneliness will find its company eventually. I'm hoping someone gives me a rose tomorrow .. Nah! Fat hope! Hahha!!  post comment

Saturday Well Spent: 11 Feb 2012 [12 Feb 2012|01:02am] [ mood | happy ] After the callbacks, I had lunch with Asraf, Cherry, Hidayu, Naim and a few others from the musical. We sat at KFC for about 1 and half hours before we left to buy donuts and off to my house. Hidayu left earlier to meet her friends at Simei. We took 27 to Buangkok and walked to the next bus stop. It was hilarious. At the bus stop, Syakir was staring at the bus stop stand where the bus services are written. He asked "We're taking 43 right?" On the board, it's only written 43. o.O As we continued waiting for the bus, Asraf unhooked my *** -.- Thankfully, I'm wearing a vest. Cherry helped me hook it back. Hais!!!~ We got to my area and bought some drinks first then went up to my place. We had donuts as we watched ZombieLand. Then we went into my room to sing a lot of songs. It was really fun.As Cherry was trying to cover a song alone, Naim knocked my notice board with a slight bump on the shelf it was on. Everything fell. Clumsy~~ But it was hilarious! Then we watch TV, then ordered Mc D. We planned to watch PA3. Our food came and we watched PA3 in the living room as we ate. Then A lot of screaming. It was hilarious.   All scared of this part. HAHAHAH!! Asraf & Naim  It was lovely Saturday with them <3 Hope we can do this again. :) post comment

This Is Where My Heart Takes Over [11 Feb 2012|05:11am] [ mood | accomplished ] I'm thankful to God for the person you are. You are true friend. I'll keep you in my prayers. I might have started moving on. No, I don't treat people as rebounds. I genuinely like their company. But I don't know whether I like this someone. I mean, we get along just fine you know.I don't want history to repeat itself and jeopardise my friendship. I guess, a crush will remain a crush. So much for clearing from boys for a year. Finally, I'm feeling a great amount of weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I'm gonna be a better friend. :) During emotional singing I had no tears to cry. I felt whole. Yes! Maybe a few weeks back, I still might hav. But not this time. I'm really proud of myself. The hardest part for me is my emotions, and I've finally gone there. My heart has taken over and it's for the better. I'm a stronger girl now. And wiser too.  post comment

Heavy Heart [29 Jan 2012|01:16am] I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I was too busy with school and too exhausted when I had the time. Lately, a lot of thoughts and emotions have overwhelmed me and I just don't know how to keep it together. Putting my thoughts to written words and emotions to songs just won't cut it for me. It doesn't settle the heaviness in my heart. I still feel the weight. I need to run and feel the release. Tears will help a little. But this is so great that it's not enough to take it away.  I just really don't know what to do. People have changed so much. Sometimes what's really left of them are the photos. Photographs that only bring tears to my eyes because they are not the people I met and got to know. They are this completely different person. I miss the friend I fell in love with. I thought we could still be friends even if we didn't work out. Partly my fault for being so emotional. How do I even deal with my frist love leaving me? He was perfect to me. I guess I just wasn't good enough to be loved by someone so special like he is. Now that I'm more sober with my feelings, I want to make things right between the both of us. ButI don't know how. Could he just tell me straight. I'd like to have heart to heart conversation with him and really settle things. I wonder if he still has a problem with me... I haven't spoken to him in like a month. I'm sure I'm dead to him. Really. I'm sure he doesn't care and I know he won't be there for me like he said he would. I'd like to still believe that he meant everything he said to me. From the 'I love you' to the 'You're beautiful person'. Basically all the right things he said at all the right time. Must commend him for that. Oh, how I miss you. I really do. And I miss the times we had together. I'd like another chance to have that. But I know, to you, I'm not worth it and I was just a complete mistake. Agree? post comment

First 21st Of The Year [21 Jan 2012|02:25pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] Today would've marked our 10 month. As much as I pretend not to care about it anymore, I still do remember this date, even if it's not on my calendar anymore. Many nights I pray that someday you would actually give us another shot and start over. I know it will be hard. But it's not impossible. But I wouldn't even be in that list of thoughts in your mind.  I miss you much more than I did, everyday. I really cannot imagine holding anyone else's hand and calling them my boyfriend. How I wished you'd realise that to me you were the most perfect with your imperfections. But now you've changed. You're not the person I met last year. But when we're with a certain group of people, that guy comes back again. That guy I used to know.  I hope you do come back again. Someday.  post comment

Bitch Mode [19 Jan 2012|12:32pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] Dear You, Right now, what's gonna be hard to watch is you fall like that. But you do what you want. Treat people how you want to. But when something good ends and turns around to slap you. Then I hope you learn. When you actually realise you've become someone you're not in your own reflection. I know you're better than that. I hope the real you comes back soon. Love, Me Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. post comment

Unsealed Crack & Overflowing [11 Jan 2012|11:55pm] [ mood | crushed ] Had performance today during lunchtime to present showchoir.It was okay I guess. A little weird though. Knowing he was sick, I thought that he wouldn't come. So, a sense of relive was there. Till, I saw him. I didn't feel performing and just go for class. But I didn't do that. Of course not. I have enough people hating on me. After the performance, I got my stuff and went for class. No lunch and I was starving. Class was interesting. We did our grouping for our Studio Production. I think it's gonna be fine. Hopefully the group will be co-operative. Don't want anymore conflicts. Too many going on in my life that if there's anymore friction between anyone else, I'll just catch fire. After class I went to CeMTA. Most of them were there. Someone was snoring away. I hope he does fully recover. During rehearsal, Irene talked about how there's a crack in this batch. I'm obviously rolling my eyes. Especially when she said that if we weren't happy with something we should talk to someone. But even if we do, there isn't much anyone can do. It's still gonna be like that till one of us actually does try to settle this awkwardness without getting worked up.  After rehearsal, while waiting at the bus stop. A friend said something by accident. I know there were no bad intentions. But I teared. I don't think it was just because of that. That word has scarred me permanently. But I know it's not just that  that triggered those tears. It's those nights where I sleep over my emotions and ignore what I'm screaming out inside. It's my emotions bottled up and now over flowing. I still pray that someday things will be alright someday. post comment

First Day of Senior & Sophomore Year [09 Jan 2012|10:45pm] [ mood | sad ] It turned out alright. A little rough with adapting to the environment. But I guess I'll come around mixing with the rest whom I don't know. It was a really laid back and long day. But according to my lecturers, it will be very taxing. That's the word they actually used unsparingly for most of the day. Oh God! I'm already wondering if the year is gonna pass me by quick or drag. It'd be too soon to actually tell if my new class is gonna be good. But I just want to get out of there as soon as possible and be busy and have less time for ShowChoir. Not because I don't love the family there. But I just really cannot stand to see some of the people there anymore. I don't know if it's disappointment that seems to hover or hurt that continues to linger. But yeah.  So after a really long day, I went with the sweeties to Cafe 1 to buy some food and head home. On our way out. Guess who I saw? Completely just ruined my whole day. Not because I hate him that he just does. NO! Because of how things are now and completely very messed up the situation we've become right now. Sometimes I just wished I had the guts to clear things up in person, but I cannot be near him neither does he even want to talk to me. So, I guess I'm left with that. I really wished we could go back to us. Or to the friendship we once had. I miss him a lot. Where has this post lead to. Oh dear! Alright. Need some shut eyes now.  post comment

Back To School [08 Jan 2012|10:28pm] [ mood | anxious ] I'm quite anxious to go back to school. It's a really different this time. The classmates I grew close to are not all around me anymore. It's gonna take some adjusting to do. I'm hoping that school and show choir won't clash too much. I really don't want to miss much. Going back to school is giving me cold feet like last time. I'm really just not ready to start the year.  So many shit are starting again. But I just want to leave it to God to put me where I need to be. I hope first day is gonna be good. Maybe I should go for a jog tomorrow night. Need to lose those extra weight I gained from munching here and there. post comment

Happy New Year. 2012 Plans [04 Jan 2012|03:16am] [ mood | contemplative ] I don't know if I'm looking forward to this year. But I have no choice. I kind of started the year rocky by being stupid and sending this retarded message on FB. But after long contemplation, I've decided. I'm the kind of girl, who will apologise for what I did or said wrong. He doesn't really bother about it cos he has better things with his life, but I do. My guilt chewed on my heart like gum. I'm not really sure what I want out of this year.  Do I want to be in a relationship again? Maybe~Not! I'm not sure. I might see people if they wanna see me. It'd be nice to meet people. But I don't think I'm ready for a relationship just yet. Obviously. It's only been 4 months. And I honestly still have feelings for him. Do I just want to concentrate on my school and less on my CCA? I really don't know. I mean, I love my Show Choir family. But it just doesn't seem like that place I entered back last year. People change, things happened. It's just not like before. I feel more judged in that room even though at times I feel comfortable there. I just don't know what it is anymore.  Do I want to find part-job? I'm not sure how my schedule will be. I'll get a planner and probably write it down. Hopefully no clashes or at least to the bare minimal. Got to buckle up and work my ass off if I want to have make the choice of my future and not let the future choose me. I want my license this year as well. So I was wondering if I could take my high-way code before I turn 18. Then when I turn 18, do my practicals. I hope I can. But would that be a lot to juggle? I guess this year will be more of adjusting to adulthood and career choices. I don't want to do anything that my heart isn't up for. And please!!! Move on!!! It's hard, but you have to let this new year in to your life. If he comes back then take the chance. Chances are, he won't. Just let go!  Let me make a list of my goals this year: Do well in my studies. Build my portfolio. Grow closer to God again.  Be more discipline with myself and plans.  Improve on myself.   As it is, it's all about me. I know somehow, people will become part of my goals. And I wanna achieve it for them or something like that. Just like last year. But for now. This is my plan. I hope by the end of this year, I can look back ticking them off my list.                   post comment

Seventeen [24 Dec 2011|09:35pm] [ mood | crushed ] I'll be honest and precise with how my day was. I spent my afternoon with my really really close friends. We sang our hearts out and it was really fun and just being surrounded by the people who were there for me at my darkest times. It's 'Thank You' part for them. The sweetest surprise they gave me was, Jun Chong coming. He said he wasn't coming and he was there. With a big present. Stuffed with newspapers!! Siti, Tang Wei and Bryan came drenched. But I really love that they were there. They always make me go crazy!! The biggest surprise from them.  A Pink Ukulele! I was planning to save up for one, but they got me one! <3 This was my lovely cake :) That daddy ordered :) This was my lovely cake that my darlings surprised me with <3 I went to Show Choir later with WeiQi, because we were caught in the rain and human traffic in the train. It was terrible. After practise and after the debrief, the SC family sang 'Happy Birthday' for me. It was nice, but I didn't like it cos I don't like the attention. Then we hung out at the flag pole as usual. But I just wasn't feeling okay. Not so happy on my birthday already. I sat alone at one corner. Then got surprised from some of them. It's honestly sweet. But it's embarrassing. And I personally don't like when I know some are insincere about it. Really.. I know I sound very demanding. But I'd prefer sincere ones.  On the way home Nathen passed to me this wristband. He said he asked him to pass to me. I teared and hid my face. That band reminded me of the relationship we once had. I don't even know what to do with the wristband now. Do I wear it? But it will be a constant reminder of him. But then, it wouldn't be nice not to use it. He shouldn't have passed that to me! He didn't need to give me anything. He probably didn't remember my birthday anyway. So overall, turning seventeen was bittersweet. I think I'm about to cry again.  post comment

21st Dec (Part 2) [22 Dec 2011|01:20am] [ mood | depressed ] What can I say bout today? I'm just on bitch mode. Because I take my job seriously. Like doing video and stuff like that. It gets me on the worse side when people aren't punctual. I mean, to them it's just doing a video. It's just for some competition. The factors that actually affect the video, like the weather and all. We were down to just 3 DSLRs working. Everyone was just still walking round playing around. I mean, singing and dancing is what we do to enjoy and have fun. But there is a certain discipline to it as well. I'm not the type to scold. But when I do, it's just a side of me no one wants to see. It started terrible. Many people were late. Then some of the alumni have to rush off as well. It's just disappointing at where some people's commitments are. Besides being there, the mindset of being punctual is also important. If you're punctual and everyone is punctual, we don't waste each other's time. Right? I don't want to elaborate anymore on how that just got on my nerves.  With that already getting me on my annoyed side, I still cannot get the thought of it out of my head. Of people, why me? But then we dont even talk to each other. And the same old crap continues. Why can't it be as straightforward as "I dont want to have anything to do with you." I don't know. It seems so straight and cold. But it's better than leaving it hanging on a thin line. I felt utterly uncomfortable being there, so I stayed till 9 and went home alone. Best that way you know. post comment

Fly Away Love [21 Dec 2011|04:25am] [ mood | blah ] Kiss me goodnight and goodbye my love. I know there is nothing left between the two of us. Bid me farewell sweetheart. I will miss you dear when we've part. Let me down gently darlin. Don't let me become broken. Fade away slowly baby. Don't suddenly go missing. by Joashelle post comment

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